Advice-Guide to Teen’s Parents:

Therapists’ Suggestions to Improve the Bond

CEBERIO, Marcelo R.
NICOLÁS, Florencia
ELGIER, Angel

Research laboratory in neurosciences and social sciences. Argentine Systemic School. Flores University, UFLO, Argentina.

Published: 25/01/2022         JOSSTT 2022, 2 (03), 11.   

Accepted:   21/01/2022

Submitted: 14/12/2021

DOI: https://doi.org/10.52459/josstt23110122

ABSTRACT

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Despite the social and cultural changes, adolescence always appears as an evolutionary cycle full of controversies, rebellions, confrontations, provocations, idealization, and de-idealization. This period of great hormonal revolution and abrupt growth of a child's body also implies relational conflicts with the environment and relationships, mainly with the closest ones: the parents. The present article shows the synthesis of 80 interviews with therapists from Buenos Aires and Great Buenos Aires. They were asked about what would be their five main advice to teenagers’ parents who want to improve the relationship with their sons/daughters. The advice was manually selected and reunited in 35 tips forming a guide with explanations of each one.

INTRODUCTION

Adolescence is always described as a problematic period of abrupt changes. Body, hormones levels, cognitions, emotions, and also interactions, relationships, and bonds deal with transformations (Ceberio, 2013; Lutte, 1991). With such a number of changes at all levels, it’s impossible to avoid a crisis in a teen’s life and also in the systems with which he/she interacts.

The increase in hormonal level (Mafla, 2008), generates behavioral changes and make teens oppositional, abrupt, clumsy, altruistic, horny, hyper-affectionate, rebellious, disorderly, seekers of affection and recognition, blamers, disqualifiers, among other characteristics that make up part of the intricate process of growth towards the adult world (Ceberio, 2015).

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It does not mean that all these behaviors have to be tolerated, all of them are plausible limitations or regulations by the parents. If parents allow their son not to take shower or always allow his outbursts of anger, they will lose authority and hierarchies. And even in democratic families, these characteristics are extremely valuable in family functions (Martinez & Moran, 2001).

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Parents must respect teens if they also want to have respect from them. At the end, the best way to teach is through their own attitudes. As we know teaching is provided in two ways: by what is explicitly said and by tacit messages sent through parenting behaviors. The congruence of the messages implies not entering into communicational confusion (Ceberio, 2019).

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When it seemed that childhood and incipient puberty was going on in certain order, when parents thought they had mastered the issue of parenting, a hormonal whirlwind of estrogen and progesterone (in girls) or testosterone and vasopressin (in boys) bursts into the bloodstream, exploding at multiple levels (Diz, 2013, Ceberio, 2015).

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The unfailingly transformation of the body creates clumsiness in movements, narcissism in emotions, new conflicts. Self-consciousness, intelligence, and creativity could increase with a self-centered position and kind of a sense of omnipotence. Relationships, inevitably, become more symmetric producing the first problematic escalations (Guemes- Hidalgo et al, 2017).

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All these changes imply a whole learning process for parents’ roles since everything they had thought they learned falls apart: they start to receive bad answers, teens start demanding that anybody has to hit the door before entering the room, there is more freedom on choosing their own clothes, friends and activities, protests as "I’m no longer a child” begin to appear, etc. (Ceberio, 2015; Vicario & Fierro, 2014).

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Classic evolutionary psychology texts (De G, A., 1958; Schneiders & de la Vega, 1969; Gilbert, 1963) describe adolescence in a tragic way. They highlight the conflicts and changes that cause problems. A sea of behaviors, emotions, biology, and thoughts problematic modifications.

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However, a more benign version of adolescence would be a flip side that shows it as a wonderful period, a lunge for growth, and a platform to take off from here for a lifetime. The first deeply friends, the first loves and rejections, the first sports victories, great deductions without help, first times going out and a sense of independence, the needs for approval and appreciation of the environment, the first dreams of fame and tantrums and untimely fights (Vicario & Fierro, 2014; Ceberio, 2015).

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From this perspective, it is also a wonderful time for parents. A stage that faces them with great learning, not only in how their children function but also in how they react to them. It is like having a practical evolutionary psychology course at home every day (Ceberio, 2015). Perhaps one of the main learning points is the generation gap. Always between parents and children, there is an important generational space. Due to the speed at which it is lived and as a result of the common development of technology, nowadays the generation gap has become a pronounced abyss.

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TECHNOLOGY, CHANGES, AND LIMITS

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Many parents have resisted the technological changes. It has cost them a lot to learn about computers, reluctantly resigning themselves to use PC or to buy one for home. Some are still resisting the use of mobile phones. Furthermore, some still question whether these advances are really an evolution.

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It is quite simple, as more these parents reject change more rigidly, they hide in their way of thinking and more distance they create with their children who, of course, circulate in a modern world. If parents do not update, inform and learn about this new world, the intergenerational gap will be much greater and the conflict even greater making any possible negotiation more difficult (Perez Ramos & Alvarado Martinez, 2015).

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Referring to the use and advances of technology some authors differentiate “digital natives” or “migrants” (Piscitelli, 2008, 2006; Leymonié, 2010). Digital Natives were born with “mouse-hand” or even with touch screens from the beginning. This impact of technological evolution will create, through epigenetic changes, new cognitive schemes, and new brains. Very different is the generation of “technological migrants” who have had to make the transition from what was believed to be great sophistication, to new technologies (Espinosa, 2017). This distinction not only involves cybernetic management but also a whole universe of beliefs and meanings about life and how it should be lived, how human communication is established (Rodríguez Salazar & Rodríguez Morales, 2016).

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Nowadays children, pubescents, and adolescents “tweet” communicate on Facebook, WhatsApp message, or by email. They also meet, go out and play outside, but they communicate more through social media than face-to-face. They have another type of outings, games, interests (Moreno Valenzuela & Lagos Ponce, 2018). The world has changed. Many fathers and mothers have dedicated themselves to criticizing the form of communication of their children speaking of the benefits of the type of communication that was established in their own childhood and adolescence. They fall into the trap of placing an excessive emphasis on the benefits of the type of bond of the youth years (Rodríguez Salazar & Rodríguez Morales, 2016). Better or worse? It is absurd to establish a comparison between one generation and another since beliefs and values changed too: “Neither better nor worse, just different” (Ceberio, 2015).

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From the neurobiological point of view, this form of communication and play (as an epigenetic factor) will lead to changes in brain structure and functioning in millions of years (Oliva Delgado, 2007, 2012). For example, video games use simultaneous stimuli, perceived by a male brain (more lateralized) it admits one action at a time (Brizendine, 2010b). However, today's kids, digital natives, work with astonishing simultaneity (Beltrán et al, 2009).

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The adrenaline produced by exercising the amygdala in virtual risk situations (Le Doux, 1996), the competitive testosterone (Archer, 2006), the vasopressin released by defending the team (Rodriguez 2019), the global analysis of the situation to understand what decision to take quick and effective, the dopamine that sets up a reward circuit for victory (Giuliano & Allard, 2001) and the cortisol that maintains tension in a hyper-vigilant alert, make teens who play after dinner not able to fall asleep since that it is the same cortisol that does not allow the appearance of serotonin, a precursor of sleep-inducing melatonin (Lewis, 1999; Ceberio, 2015). And parents are there, trying to set boundaries to video games and bedtime schedules, after all, teens or pubescents must sleep at least 10 hours daily due to the turgidity and hormonal revolution. The truth behind that is that the abundance of “owls” is common, the biological clock can work inverted and it is possible for them to go to bed late and get up at noon (Pautassi, 2016).

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Times have changed and this also generates changes in evolutionary cycles. The elderly are not that old, people die older, they become adults later (Salvarezza, 1993, 2006; Ceberio, 2013). It seems that the puberty period is getting smaller. Forty years ago, a 13-year-old girl belonged to the evolutionary cycle of puberty: she dressed like a girl and played games like a girl. Nowadays she is a pre-teen, she is in charge of her own autonomy, wears fashionable and sexualized clothes, with makeup included, and is having conversations about sex and drugs with her friends. Today ex-pubescents dress in fashionable clothes, flirt and seduce, use modern hairstyles, and go out to dance in the matinee.

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Parents must try to update themselves on how this new world works, or at least allow themselves to listen without judging or devaluing it. This update and modesty do not cancel the guide, the advice, and the setting of limits that, with regard to the use of technology, are very important (Jones, 2010).

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When parents talk about children abusing video games one might wonder if the true formulation is that parents do not set enough boundaries. Are there absent parents or lax or weak guidelines behind these technological abuses? In this direction, some studies investigated cyber-addicting behaviors in relation to family supervision during the network connection. The results affirmed the importance of family control as a protective factor (Arnaiz et al, 2016).  

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The ability of parents to set boundaries and clear limits is categorically vital at this stage, it makes the difference between “adolescence” and "dolescence" [≈ Painfulness]. It means growing up with clear and comprehensive boundaries so that neither hurts parents and children nor damage the bond. It is important to place guidelines that invariably show what is right and what is wrong.

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Neurobiological explanations describe how the prefrontal lobe, the center of morale and impulse control, finish developing between the ages of 20 and 21 (Brizendine, 2010 a and b). Meanwhile, the parameters of what should or should not have to be regulated by parents; otherwise, testosterone, estrogens, and progesterone draw actions without limits, exposing adolescents to risky and dangerous situations and behaviors (Peper & Dahl, 2013).

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METHODOLOGY

The research design was qualitative, with thematic analysis being the technique used (Glaser & Strauss, 1967). This design made it possible to identify patterns of meaning within the empirically collected data. In this way, the data set was organized in detail.

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The research consulted eighty therapists from Buenos Aires and Greater Buenos Aires. The sample was randomly chosen taking into account that all of them had to work with families and couples and that they attend teenagers. The models or theories from where they work were diverse (Psychoanalytic (23), systemic (16), cognitive (18), integrative (11), Gestalt (9), logo therapeutic (3). The age range was not relevant for research purposes. The years of practice in clinical psychology were taken into account: therapists with 5 to 30 years of professional practice were surveyed.

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The instrument administration was via e-mail with the following text:

“According to your clinical experience of working with parents of adolescents, what are the five basic recommendations – beyond individual problems – that you make as an orientation to parents. Please explain each one”.

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ANALYSIS OF DATA

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The data analysis process consisted of the following phases:

1. Familiarization with the data: This phase involved becoming familiar with the content of the therapists' responses.

2. Coding: This phase consisted of generating short labels from important characteristics of the data that could be relevant to answer the research question.

3. Generation of initial advice (topics): In this phase, the codes and collated data were examined to identify larger meaningful patterns of meaning (potential advice).

4. Review: In this phase, the advice was articulated with the data set. The themes that arose here involved dividing them, combining them, or discarding them. We consider the advice that emerged from the data as a pattern of shared meaning.

5. Defining and Naming Themes: This phase involved developing a detailed analysis of each council, determining the scope and focus of each, determining the "story" of each one. A name was also decided for each council.

6. Writing: This final phase involved articulating the narrative and data, concerning the existing literature.

The results were 400 tips. They were collected and classified manually, organized into different groups combining those suggestions that were similar in meaning and explanation. The final results include 35 tips.

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RESULTS

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Each one of the tips was developed with an explicative and pedagogical comment. What we present in the following list is a synthesis of the explanations and comments that each therapist developed. These tips were written in a simple and popular way to form a guide for parents.

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1. Generate spaces to take care of the bond: create spaces for affective encounters in order to talk about personal things taking the initiative. Tell your projects, activities, particular situations to your sons/daughters as an invitation for them to comment on their own things, their wishes, desires, etc. A little outing for a walk, a bar, running or playing a game, sharing an activity, can become an opportunity to learn about the teen's lives and convey some guidance. You always have to try at least one meal a day for the whole family. Food is a meeting point where information is passed and received.

2. Be direct and concrete: It is not necessary to elaborate on explanations, surely your child heard you and is now doing the process. No turns. Sometimes too many explanations are tedious. Explain to reflect and try to not go over that limit, otherwise, teens disconnect and will not listen to us. Agree on how you are going to treat your child: a teenager is not a child or an adult, he is a teenager.

3. Do not place yourself as an example: Avoid saying When I was your age ... It is not positive to preach with theories drawn from one's own experience since this exalt ourselves and disqualify their experience. Teens need to go through their own experiences. Each of us learns more from mistakes than from successes. A mistake invites us to think, reflect, change our attempts, exercise ourselves in solutions and, in the meantime, we learn.

4. Don't adultize them early: Children learn through experience. Let them do their own process. You will be able to guide them, but you must have the patience to wait for the results of the start-up. Teens are not a bit of a child and a bit of an adult: they are teenagers. You cannot reprehend them like a child but at the same time do not pretend to engage in an adult dialogue. 

5. Say I love you, express your love: The love of fathers and mothers is the only unconditional love, without speculation. Although adolescents are apparently surly and reject affection expressions, they are still very sensitive to them. Facing the facade of rebellion is the search for recognition. Hugging, caressing, saying how much you love yourself, implies nurturing emotionally and effectively.

6. Do not suppose. Ask them: Try to avoid anticipating the dialogue. Assumption makes one's own ideas prevail over those that the children say. When you have an assumption about any of the children's behaviors it is important to translate it into a question and not to give it as a statement. Learning to listen, freeing yourself from prejudices and assumptions, is a way to establish a free and sincere dialogue without defenses or attacks.

7. Give fewer sermons and listen more: We must learn to listen to our children. Allow ourselves to stop the habit of advising them on each issue from the arrogant belief of being the voice of experience. When we fall into giving sermons, we miss the opportunity to meet the children, what are their problems, their concerns, their way of feeling and thinking. Becoming a guide but without pressing is the right formula to offer parameters for them to choose freely.

8. Speak the truth: It is the possibility of reaching their hearts. No lies, no inventions, and manipulations. Dads and mums should frankly show them what and who they are. To speak to them with the truth is to communicate from love. You should not invent a world for them or create false expectations.

9. Talk about sexuality: Hormonal changes make the adolescent world sex relevant. Sex should be a treat without concealment or repression, trying to clearly answer all the doubts of the children. To talk honestly and clearly about sex works as a prevention strategy against sites where they can find wrong information about sex and sexuality, as pornography sites. Promote the use of condoms in sexual relations and regular visits to doctors as gynecologists or urologist to answer their doubts and carry out the corresponding controls.

10. Remember your own adolescence: To recall parents' adolescence allows one to empathize more deeply with their own adolescent child. From that empathy, it is easier to get to connect and dialogue from heart to heart. Parents often forget that period and that is when they speak as responsible adults, trying to impose certain advice "about what to do." Understanding the stage our children are going through does not mean becoming permissive but rather contemplating how far they can do what we suggest in our guidance.

11. Clarify doubts without prejudice: Parents must be willing to evacuate all doubts, clarify them since it is a stage of great curiosity. Without anger and judgment or prejudice, a frank dialogue that encourages questions and curiosities is the way to become a reference and not the person who censors.

12. Encourage life projects: Share with them the discovery of tastes, abilities, projects in which they feel capable of carrying out. Encourage them to do activities for themselves from the belief that they can and that they will achieve what they set out to do. Encourage them to explore and do what they love and are passionate about.

13. Do not believe that mathematics is the sign of intelligence: There are seven types of intelligence and there is not only the intelligence that schools exalt, maths. Intelligence is synonymous with abilities and if our children have a predilection for art, painting, music, or if they are emotionally wise, we have an obligation to make them shine. This does not imply that they do not fulfill their school assignments and continue with the process of formal education.

14. Value them and stimulate self-esteem: it is important to recognize the qualities of the children, even if they make mistakes. Parents must be able to show mistakes but encourage their children to continue trying and learning. Learn how to motivate children for building the feeling that they know what to do and how to do it. Any opportunity in which the child's behavior deserves praise should not be missed. Boosting their self-esteem with security and confidence. It is not only about saying "value yourself" but also that parents show value and believe in themselves: parents are a great mirror where their children look at each other.

15. Understand the difference between productive demands and destructive hyperexcitability: fathers and mothers must lower the level of performance anxiety of their children. What do they do and what should they have done? Let's not forget that they are in full trial and error as a way of life learning. The demand is stimulating and productive, while the hyper demand is restrictive and non-valorizing.

16. Exercise authority, not authoritarianism: The exercise of being parents implies finding ourselves in an asymmetrical relation from above. It is the place of teaching, of guidance, of experience, of listening, of evaluation and rectification, of limits, but above all of the affection. It is an effective authority. Parents are not friends, they are parents. It can be more horizontal, closer, but the asymmetry of authority must not be lost. Children should not be confused.

17. Learn to say NO: parents have to learn to say NO without guilt, but it is not a dictatorial NO, it is a NO based on good love, a clear and flexible limit that allows you to discern as far as you can. The punishment would be the failure of the limit. It is important that the limit is not formulated as a punishment, but as a regulation of behavior, as reflection, allowing learning, exercising freedom, and responsibility.

18. Choose which battles to fight: Adolescent attitudes are an invitation to enter into many fights since there are too many battlefronts: their manners, their disorder, their schedules, their difficulties in personal hygiene, their laziness, their bad manners, their form of dressing, among others. It is positive to reserve the limits for those things that are considered more important (for example, obligations, study, etc.) and not to litigate for the less relevant.

19. Evaluate the use and abuse of virtual games: Parents must evaluate where the limits are when it is used and when it’s abused. Teens' attitudes towards the use of video games have to be regulated by parents. Abuse may be evidence of parental lack of boundaries. What must be clear is how far to allow and how far to prohibit virtual games, since this is a space that in many aspects parents are unaware of.

20. Convert a protest to a proposal: It is very important that parents abandon the complaint and criticism. Both are devaluing and create discomfort and a tense family climate. Complaining and criticism mark what is lacking and paralyze. Raising awareness about this mechanism makes it possible to move from a protest to a proposal, that is, actions that lead to a change in behavior.

21. Control without invading: You must be very attentive to the activities that your children carry out and maintain an open and permanent channel of communication to find out what they do, what they think, what they feel. But care must be taken not to fall into control and invasion because this generates rejection of our presence. Remember that as they grow up they progressively gain autonomy, you have to let go of your hand as they force themselves to free themselves. The times are set by them, neither go ahead nor neglect. Shrewd parents move by accepting change and accompanying the process.

22. Respect their privacy: Gradually, teens begin to transform their room into a kind of bunker. This place where their universe is accommodated is sacred, and they start to demand hitting before entering. Nowadays this private space is not only their room but also their cell phone, email, Instagram. Children claim their personal spaces and this individuation is the foundation of their future autonomy. Grant increasing freedom according to the rules set in advance.

23. Trust in children: Trust inspires a responsible attitude. Building trust in them stimulates their autonomy and growth. Adolescents need to feel a certain freedom to begin to make decisions for themselves, to reflect, and to choose different options. In this way, they build their own criteria and face difficulties. Parents must try to look for a middle point between staying by their side and solving all the teenager's problems.

24. Tolerate stop of being ideal parents: Children in childhood idealize parents. They see them as all-powerful and as persons that have all the answers to their questions. In adolescence, they begin to "realize”, and de idealization falls like a sword of Damocles on the backs of the parents. Learning how to tolerate that is important for teens’ parents.

25. Do not consider them drug addicts if they tried drugs: Many parents do not know about drugs like marijuana, cocaine, pills, among others. If the children have ever tried it, it is important to have established enough trust and intimacy with them to comment on their experience. Try not to adopt a judgmental position and affirm "our son is a drug addict." It is important to be on the subject, take care and be able to advise them on the risks.

26. Accept that you can be wrong: The fact of being parents and adults does not ensure that you have all the answers, nobody has the absolute truth. Accepting that a child is a different person and may have opinions that differ is a true recognition of them. Allowing yourself to rethink and admit your own mistakes and limitations is an interesting position. Teens may think otherwise they are not allowed to challenge or confront. Children are forming new ideas, many different and better than those of their parents.

27. Never argue in the face of explosiveness: Hormones make teenagers' behavior intensify sometimes. They can have “out of control” situations where they jump from one extreme to the other in their moods. If we add to this the low inhibition of impulses, we find a volcano without a brake. If teens are annoying and loud, irascible, it is not worth arguing because it will be impossible for them to listen. We must avoid emotional overflow. Modeling how to stop and return to the subject later is a matter of transforming what would have been an indisputable fight into a positive conversation: think about the reason for the fight, identify the causes of the problem and its solutions. It is in this instance in the adolescent's matures and when critical thinking and emotional regulation are developed. Avoiding the snowball effect due to the probable escalations implies not being faced with irritating adolescent responses.

28. Reach an agreement between parents first, then with the teen: to achieve agreements with the adolescent child will depend, in a directly proportional relationship, on the agreements between both parents. It is very important to unify criteria and ways of thinking about situations. Regarding the setting of limits, it is convenient not to show any cracks in the parental system. There is no need for the responses related to permits or penalties to be immediate and it is not convenient for them to be made in an impulsive reactive manner.

29. Let them go alone to medical consultations: Medical consultants are a good opportunity to gain responsibility. The coordination of an appointment, the fulfillment of a commitment, punctuality, autonomy, etc., are formal encounters with another from a social context. It is important that the adolescent can have a moment without the presence of parents or guardians, where they can speak directly with the professionals treating them, but at the same time feel supported.

30. Coherence between what is said and what is done: parent’s guide is not only with words. Actions are consciously or unconsciously observed by the children. Parents are a great movie where they project, learn copy styles and ways of proceeding. Being consistent between what is said and what is done is a healthy way of communication that avoids confusion and increases the affective bond.

31. Engage to take home responsibilities: Keeping the house in order requires everyone's collaboration. Little by little, teens will have to take responsibility in their house. One of the biggest complaints from parents is the clutter in the adolescent's room. It is there where mothers interfere, and children feel invaded in their territory: a scene that is a source of escalations and bad answers. Teens must face certain responsibilities at home and start with their room: just talk and make a list of rules for each member to do (not exclusively the adolescent). Try to show some order and cleanliness at home.

32. Encourage to do sports: It is relevant that children are encouraged and motivated to practice sports, not only for physical health (musculoskeletal and cardio-respiratory system) but because of all the hormonal turgidity. All these hormonal changes translate into explosions, and they can be drained through physical exercise. In addition, sports practice enables socialization through relationships with peer groups, promoting friendship in a healthy environment, away from any addictive issue (tobacco, drugs, alcohol). Team sport rules regulate schedules, training, sacrifice, etc. encourage the organization of other aspects of life.

33. Remember that ordering is not the same as asking: The order is imperative; it does not give options and must be carried out. The requests are not imperative, they appear almost as suggestions. Parents must differentiate orders from asking. Orders must be carried out. If you ask, please wait. If you order, demand.

34. Encourage them to make friends: Motivating them to relate to peers, schoolmates, clubs, is a way for them to begin to build their affective world. These are not imposed relationships but arise from affective spontaneity. As relationships are established, intimate spaces, feelings, confidentialities, etc. are increased. Parents should encourage and value friendship and support those relationships that produce their children's good self-esteem and security.

35. Keep in mind that guilt is not a good company: When a limit is placed it must be done firmly and without guilt. Guilt is what softens speech and dulls firmness. Many times, when it is forbidden, parents are filled with guilt over the child's reaction and end up wasting themselves without setting the correct limit. This is a confusing action. It is not about placing blame on them, manipulating them. Teenagers always speculate with both the father and the mother and know which weak points to touch to make them feel guilty. In all its forms, guilt is not a healthy feeling. More than guilt it is important to speak of responsibility. We are all part of a relational game and we must assume our share of participation.

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DISCUSSION AND CONCLUSION

We could combine the categories that apply to the synthesis in a triad: expressing love, activating communication, and setting healthy boundaries. The only unconditional love is the love of the parents towards the children (not even of the children towards the parents). That same love is the one that urges us to communicate, to know about them, and to lead us to put limits on their actions in order to teach them how to take care of themselves (Ceberio et al, 2020a; Ceberio et al, 2020b).

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In the same way that there is a new old age, as we have pointed out, there is also new adulthood and therefore the teenager’s years have been modified. This new old age is not only new because of the lifestyle but also because of the number of years that one lives, and this phenomenon has had an impact on the rest of the evolutionary stages. From what we have developed adolescence has changed and this is not an isolated phenomenon. It implies that parents have changed, and these parents have modified their parenting because adolescent behaviors differ, even partially, from those described in classic texts on this topic. Functions and roles such as parents, partner, grandparents, etc., evolutionary cycles such as children, adolescents, adults, elderly, family rules, have changed (Ceberio, 2011; Jimenez & Delgado, 2002) and with it the system functioning (von Bertalanffy, 1968). They have changed because society as a whole has also developed its modifications and thus the world.

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These guides also show parenting as a more horizontal relationship. This is not to say that authority is lost. Relational verticality of parents with their children is part of the hierarchical game of families and with it a healthy functionality (Minuchin, 1982). But the approach and affective expressiveness, prompting dialogue without explosiveness, agreeing and negotiating, setting explained limits, accepting mistakes, avoiding authoritarianism are conditions that show a new parenting, especially of parents. (Medina, 2004).

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Advice is like “wedges” to functionally activate the parent-child relationship and they show the repairs that therapists would consider covering the interactional shortcomings of this relationship (Cava, 2003). In other words, advice that restores the relationship in a healthy way.

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Beyond the controversy, adolescence is a wonderful period, a great Pandora's box brimming with new things, innovation, initiative, conflict, passion, creativity, and above all, learning. Multiple edges show the revolution in an adolescent: there is a brain structure that produces certain hormones that influence the behaviors that determine actions. There are also social interactions framed in a context that guides into what to do (social functions). Cognitive schemes are formed to establish categorical constructs of all kinds and significance, styles of emotion that determine how to feel, and all this will activate the secretion of certain hormones. Such secretion requires a brain structure according to a conformation that supports such circulation. With which we are at the starting point (Ceberio, 2015).

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And this does not mean to overprotect, not to set limits, not to reprimand, but rather it implies not falling into the trap of asking the adolescent for something that violates her psychobiology. For example, hours of sleep needs are normal, unexpected, and abrupt outbursts of rage are to be expected, defending their place (room, for example) is normal, that they smell strong is a physiological matter, that they resist the shower, that friends are sacred, that they want to be adults before their time is part of an evolutionary whole. The question is about how to make the relationship prosper and live this period most simply.

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FUNDING: The authors did not receive any external funding.

CONFLICT OF INTEREST: The authors declare no conflict of interest.

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